Hans Moleman |
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Hans Moleman is a 4'5" mole-like man with extremely bad luck. Although apparently elderly, he claims to be only in his mid-thirties. He has cataracts and is partially blind, cannot read, and uses medical marijuana. He is secretly the leader of an underground civilization in the style of The Mole People.
Hans drives a 1977 AMC Gremlin, and carries a brown cane with him everywhere. He has a slight crush on either Patty or Selma. He runs an early morning radio show, on which he introduces himself as "This is Moleman in the Morning, Good Moleman to you".
When Homer hired cult deprogrammers to return Bart to him, they kidnapped Hans by mistake. He was soon "deprogrammed" and returned to Homer and Marge: "Mom, Dad, I missed you. Cowabunga, dudes!"
He once created a "hit movie", called "Man gets hit by football." The highlight of this film (in fact, the only scene) is reminiscent of the "Funniest Videos" television shows: Hans awaits a passed football, but he misses the catch, the ball hits him in the crotch, he falls to the ground in pain.
Hans has escaped death innumerable times: Burns drills into Hans's head (when he mistakes Hans for a Leprechaun and looks for his lucky charms). He drowns in quicksand. Is run off the road. Run over by Homer J. Simpson. Fell out of a window. He was "absorbed" by a huge bubble a la The Prisoner. Dr. Hibbert forgot Hans and left him in a fluoroscope. A scene in one episode has him about to be executed in Springfield Jail. Once he's even buried alive.
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